Part II : The Final Test

What Danny refers to as "the filmmaking Gods," the greater powers we sometimes like to blame for all the shit that can happen on set, seem to be really testing me for this one.

I knew it'd be tough making a movie around the holidays. I knew it'd be stressful working on another project on my break. I knew a lot of things. And as is almost always the case, everything seems to just border being too much to handle. Even if you go in expecting that and it meets your expectations, somewhere in the back of your head you expect it to be easier because you planned for it, but with film I guess it's always scaled to your efforts. So you're always barely getting by, it's just a matter of what you're getting by with.

Family stress couldn't be worse right now though. Production starts up again in exactly 39 hours. Yesterday, we found out that my grandmother is basically on her deathbed right now. She's been hospitalized for several months and we knew it was coming. It's just that it seems like it could happen any day now, and I can't have it happen any day now. I've got 5 days. 5 hardcore shooting days that I can't really afford to delay. It's a terrible situation to be in. I mean I've basically already accepted that she's going to die. Most of us have. She's been in a hospital for months so in that way it will sort of be a good thing. It's just that it's weird to be crossing my fingers that she doesn't die in the next week for basically my own selfish reasons. I guess that's terrible. From the family perspective, it's probably really selfish. From the production perspective it's something I just want to forget about and hope doesn't interfere. I don't like being tied to both. It's very stressful.

I like to think of it as kind of a test. Movies are always stressful and those filmmaking gods are just packing it on thick right now. I don't believe in a real god or anything. I don't believe in higher powers, but sometimes I like to think that somehow I'm being tested even though there's no one administering the test. I guess that means it's just me versus the real world and it's a test for myself to prove this is what I want to do. I came out of the first leg confident that it was. And I'm not second guessing that at all or anything. I guess I'm just anxious again to see if in 6 days I have a whole movie shot or not.

Standing on One Leg

So we've done it. We have about 2/3 of the movie shot.

Today is the first day in 9 days that I haven't been shooting and it feels really weird. Somewhere in the last two or three days of production, it occurred to me that I'm doing exactly what I want to do for a living. It's really intense, and you have long hours, and you get worn out and I think I averaged about 6 hours of sleep a night all week, but I was never tired. I never wanted to stop or take a break. That's why today is weird. I want to jump right back into the second leg and get the rest of the movie. I love the atmosphere of being on set. The pressure, and the close group of people working hard for something they believe in. It's like a weird dream to look back on. It's so far removed from normal life. But I think that's what I like about it. I'm spent way too many days leading up to last week sitting in my apartment, writing, and planning, and getting everything where it needed to be, and I got tired of it. It's working towards a goal, but it's really far removed from it and you don't get any of the gratification. It's also a comparatively lonely experience. But for me it was really nice to sit down at the end of the day talking with the cast/crew and thinking to myself, "yes, this is exactly what I want to be doing with my life." It's a great feeling because there's a lot of second guessing going on at this point in my life, when practicality clashes with dreams.


I've started a rough cut of what we have so far. It looks good. Really good. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it feels like it's turning out exactly like it should. You can never tell what it will be beforehand. You can take educated guesses, and then you can think of your ideals, and you incorporate the reality of the production and you get your product. This feels like a well balanced mix between all of that. I'm happy with it.

It's weird how despite not really being conscious of it, I've got a definite style. This film is certainly more professional than anything I've done, but even in just the 5 minutes of the film I have cut together right now, it feels really familiar. I see similarities to "Making Of," but in a good way. It's reassuring because a lot of times I feel like I'm ripping off other styles a lot, but I think I have something my own.

But it's a weird kind of depressing day today. I got to sleep in, I'm home alone with just me and my footage. And I'm working on it, but I'm missing the hustle and bustle and what I like to think of as kind of fighting to make this film.

Like yesterday was a crazy day, but one I'm really glad we had for this production. It was 100% pure guerrilla filmmaking. The kind of stuff that other people quit when the shit hits the fan. We started at the airport, which was easy, except we were going to shoot a plan landing and it landed early so we missed it and would have had to wait another 2 hours for the next one (we're probably coming back to that one). We shot in a Bed, Bath, and Beyond without permission, eventually getting confronted and told we couldn't shoot there...but after we got everything we needed. The liquor store we had scheduled was unexpectedly closed (we found out after our actor for the scene had driven in from Arkansas to shoot) so we had to find another location, called about 5 other liquor stores, which all turned us down, went to one that said yes, but changed their minds when we got there, and ended up at a local market that is closed on Sundays, but they opened for us to shoot after Hunter begged them on the phone. So we got a private location in the end, which probably worked out even better. Then we ended the day shooting in a Target parking lot getting in a lot of people's way and being stalked by the guy that ratted us out in the Bed, Bath, and Beyond store. It felt like high school again, but in a good way. A sense of danger and a feeling that we might not get what we needed because of all of the things we couldn't control without a Hollywood machine backing us up. It was one of those days where I think a lot of people would have given up or changed the script around to fit the circumstances, but we fought to do it just like we wanted and we got it.

I enjoy those fights...probably more so after they're proven successful though.

High Point

3 Days of Preproduction left and I'm feeling pretty good about it.

It really is all coming together. Since the production is split, I split my efforts to make everything much easier on myself. So I focused on only getting the props for the first leg, etc. And as far as the first 8 days of shooting are concerned there are only one or two unknowns and they're small ones.

So I'm feeling good about pulling this off. I'm designing a pack of gum right now, about to start on a CD case and book cover. All fake items for the movie. I'm glad to have my design skill set because it's really hand for this kind of thing. Instead of having to hide products, I can actually focus on them because they're jokes in and of themselves. I won't spoil them here.

But I'm excited because I think for the first time ever, when production starts Sunday I'll actually be able to breathe a little bit and focus on what a director is supposed to focus on. And in theory this should yield some great results.

Oh and I saw this ship today. Fucking awesome.

One week

Yep, today is 7 days from the first day of shooting.

It's a weird day. I seem to fluctuate from extreme excited-ness to extreme stress. And that seems to go hand in hand with crossing things off my to-do list and then adding more than I crossed off back onto it.

But today was a stress day, where even though I did a good bit, I felt like I didn't do anything because of the sheer volume of stuff to do...which I also think I may be bad at judging...because my master to do list is like 75% crossed off, but I have all of these little to do lists that I make throughout the day when I think of things...but I'm not sure where they fit in on the master to do list....so they might be relatively nothing.

I also had this weird realization that while I've kind of been the mastermind of this whole thing for the past year, I haven't really had a physical role to play, but in a week I'm actually going to have a real job to do. There's like this weird separation between conceptualizing a project and then actually making it, and even though I've been making stuff for a while now, when I brought out my camera today and did a steadicam test, I realized I'm not it very good shape to be a camera operator. I've got two heavy rigs for doing "handheld" stuff.

But I'll make do.

The Beginning of the Beginning

12 days until blast-off.

I'm not sure how prepared I am. I've rehearsed with all three leads and I'm really happy about how that part of things is shaping up. I have all but two bit parts cast.

I've bought all of the major equipment.

We've built the launchpad. You can watch a little mini-doc on it here:
http://www.vimeo.com/7908810

I've got the rest of my preproduction days planned out. I just have to power through everything. I hope all of the work pays off. That would be the biggest disappointment. This is the most work I've ever put into a film project and I haven't even started it yet. I just hope it amounts to something and the at the end of the day when you watch the film you can tell it's more work than I've ever put into anything else.

A part of me wants to fast forward twelve days to production and another part wants to fast forward to mid-January after it's all shot. I love production, but it's also one of those things that is always so much better in retrospect once you know everything turns out okay. But when you're actually in it, it's incredibly stressful because you don't know if everything will turn out okay, especially with a high stakes project like this. But that's also the point. That's what I love. Sailing a sinking ship through a storm to the other side of the ocean. But of course you're also sailing a sinking ship through a storm...to the otherside of the ocean. It is what it is. And it feels great when you pull it off.

23 Days

Each day seems more and more desperate.

I'm doing an incredible amount of preparation compared to any other project I've attempted, but there's still the whole fact that it's about 40 pages longer than any project I've ever attempted too. And more expensive, and ultimately more important and riskier. So unless I had like two months of production time and an infinite supply of money and resources I don't think I'd ever feel like I was ready.

I think it's also the somewhat rushed feeling production period. We're going to be shooting on both sides of the week of Christmas, an already particularly busy and chaotic time of year. And we're only going to have 13 days of production...which is pretty slim. And the fact that most of the cast/crew aren't here in town to be able to meet with everyday...and that many of them start almost as soon as they get out of school, and go back to school a few days after we wrap. There's no breathing room.

But I try to tell myself it's good to be nervous. If I was comfortable, I wouldn't be risking enough.

It's just despite all the work I'm doing, I always feel like I could be doing more, and I worry that that difference could be really important in the final product. I hope that in retrospect I'll be able to say something like that's just me trying to be a perfectionist or something, but I won't know if I'm being lazy or a perfectionist until much further down the road. It's sort of a weird thing not to know.

I'm just glad that I at least designed what should be a pretty easy and intimate production so once we're shooting, I hope it'll be less stressful than it is right now in anticipation. Of course whatever happens, in three weeks I will have everything pulled together.

I hope that with my next film I'll be able to get a lot more money and be able to hand off a lot of my prep jobs to other people. It's certainly the least exciting part of making the movie. It's all about anticipation and trying to make it happen and hoping you can pull it off. A lot of unknowns. And even for a feature length film like this, it's too much work for one or two people.

The next two stages are just about dealing with what you have from preproduction. I can't wait for those.

On a lighter note, Kemer found this photo of us in pre-school...in costume. Sort of an interesting image to go back to, when 20 or so years later we're basically still playing pretend and dressing up in costumes.

Night Driving

Lately, I've found myself for whatever reason driving around at night somewhat aimlessly and listening to music and feeling really good and creative.

I remember in school I used to listen to music on my way to and from class. It's a good way to kind of let your mind wander. But lately, without that kind of consistent travel time, I don't think I've been listening to music as much, and I've forgotten how important good music is to getting me in a creative state of mind. Most of my ideas come to me when I'm listening to music.

So anyway, I've found myself in some ways reconnecting to music in general via driving around at night. I actually take detours and longer routes to extend my drive. It's kind of strange, but also peaceful and invigorating. I don't know why it works better at night, but it does. Night time is always more surreal I guess.

I've also gotten more excited about the production finally coming around. I set up Neil's bedroom today with the props I've gotten so far and it is really starting to feel like a set. It's fun. I also got the Spacedad's helmet in the mail and seeing it on the chair in my room gets me excited. All of these ideas and visuals that have been in my head for so long are starting to materialize and it's really exciting to see them. It makes me want to start shooting.