Part II : The Final Test

What Danny refers to as "the filmmaking Gods," the greater powers we sometimes like to blame for all the shit that can happen on set, seem to be really testing me for this one.

I knew it'd be tough making a movie around the holidays. I knew it'd be stressful working on another project on my break. I knew a lot of things. And as is almost always the case, everything seems to just border being too much to handle. Even if you go in expecting that and it meets your expectations, somewhere in the back of your head you expect it to be easier because you planned for it, but with film I guess it's always scaled to your efforts. So you're always barely getting by, it's just a matter of what you're getting by with.

Family stress couldn't be worse right now though. Production starts up again in exactly 39 hours. Yesterday, we found out that my grandmother is basically on her deathbed right now. She's been hospitalized for several months and we knew it was coming. It's just that it seems like it could happen any day now, and I can't have it happen any day now. I've got 5 days. 5 hardcore shooting days that I can't really afford to delay. It's a terrible situation to be in. I mean I've basically already accepted that she's going to die. Most of us have. She's been in a hospital for months so in that way it will sort of be a good thing. It's just that it's weird to be crossing my fingers that she doesn't die in the next week for basically my own selfish reasons. I guess that's terrible. From the family perspective, it's probably really selfish. From the production perspective it's something I just want to forget about and hope doesn't interfere. I don't like being tied to both. It's very stressful.

I like to think of it as kind of a test. Movies are always stressful and those filmmaking gods are just packing it on thick right now. I don't believe in a real god or anything. I don't believe in higher powers, but sometimes I like to think that somehow I'm being tested even though there's no one administering the test. I guess that means it's just me versus the real world and it's a test for myself to prove this is what I want to do. I came out of the first leg confident that it was. And I'm not second guessing that at all or anything. I guess I'm just anxious again to see if in 6 days I have a whole movie shot or not.