This is the End.

To sum up how it feels in one word: Weird.

There was never that sense of accomplishment or sigh of relief that I was expecting when we wrapped. I don't know if I'm just stunned that it worked and I can't wrap my head around it yet, or if maybe it has something to do with being sleep deprived or maybe just that I always tend to look forward when making movies and I'm somewhat intimidated by the months of work I have ahead of me. Maybe my sigh of relief doesn't come until I have a completed movie. But I'm sure by that point I'll be looking forward to the next project.

I don't guess that's bad, necessarily. I guess that's what keeps me going. But I didn't really get my big ending. I kept reminding myself that I had completed shooting a feature, but it never really affected me.

Lessons I've Learned:

-We really are getting to where our ideas and ambitions are pushing our capacity as large scale home movie makers. I'm not sure if this is something new or true though. Because I could probably argue that every production we've done has seemed to push the boundaries of what we're capable of. I guess that's sort of the point. So that's not so much as a lesson I guess as a fact of making the kind of movies we make. This just happens to be the biggest thing yet and imagining topping it in scale and production value and everything right now seems a bit intimidating. But we'll probably do it.

-Even more time in preproduction. I did good in prep for this movie. Really covered my ass. Made it all work. But as much as I like to find my shots on set, it would have really helped to have a shot list to make sure I got all the shots I had thought of beforehand, and also to help Danny be able to figure out lighting better. Given that we didn't have that, we did a great job, but it probably would have been smoother if we had it.

-Better clarifying my goals and expectations of both the project itself and the actual production to all the cast and crew. It's a hard thing to think about, but you can't assume everybody thinks like you or sees the project like you do. Some people always took it very seriously. Sometimes it felt like some people didn't, but it was almost always in regards to the additional jobs that people shouldn't have necessarily had to do like props and costumes and continuity. So that could also be a fault of having a small crew and a lot of work on everyone's shoulders. But some people stepped up and carried it better than others.

- This one is more of a reaffirmation of something I already knew than a lesson learned, but having a cast/crew of people who are genuinely excited about the project and really want to be a part of it and aren't just doing it as another project to have under their belts is really important. It has to be a unique experience that everyone knows is worth every amount of effort they're putting into it. It has to be an experience money can't buy, and the value has to be in the project itself. In our case, my hope at least is that this is what justifies not paying people. And everyone completely deserves to be paid, but it's a tricky scenario I talked about with Danny. The below the line (and sometimes probably the above the line too) crew on most films work on them as a job. They like making movies in general, that's why they do it, but project to project they're motivation to keep going is usually the money. They have to keep doing projects, whatever they are, to make a living, and I guess also to build up a portfolio so they can get better work. Typically, there's less passion there, and personally I think that's how you know you're making a project not worth making. If people know what they're getting into and are willing to do it for free from the start, that's how you know you not only have a project worth doing it, but a damn good cast/crew for the job. That was my litmus test for this film. I would like to pay everyone now, but there's a problem with that because you're putting a value on that person's work. My core cast/crew all deserve like five grand a piece for the jobs they did. If I had that, I'd pay them. I could give everyone like a hundred bucks, but that seems almost insulting because it says they did a $100 job, and they didn't. I guess to some people that might be a cop out, but I take pride in saying I did this job for free. I mean it was my project, so it probably doesn't count for me. And in fact, I put in 15 grand of my own money so I'm negatively compensated in terms of money. But I really like knowing that this was a passion project. It means at least on some level it's worth having done.

-Don't leave the camera on too long when setting up the shot. It eventually will overheat during the shoot.

- If you don't absolutely need it, you won't end up using it. As the shoot went on, the camera rig got smaller and more basic. By the second leg we weren't using the follow focus at all, and had just the camera itself directly mounted tot he tripod. I even stopped using the monitor a lot. Although lighting got more elaborate and we ended up with more lights for the second leg, so maybe that's not true.

- A lot can change in a 10 day break. It was probably too long. Average temps dropped about 25 degrees and the lake went back up instead of down.

- More, shorter production days probably would have worked out better. Would have been nice to have more recovery time at night and not have to go straight to bed for the next day. Also for watching dailies, which we didn't get to do every day.

- Don't siphon sitting water from the pool cover through a hose when the pump breaks. It'll give you a sore through and a sinus infection during your shoot.

- You never expect yourself to lose momentum or want to just stop at points, but the first couple of days of the second leg when I was sick and wondering at what point my grandmother was going to die (which btw, she's actually doing okay right now, still hanging in there), and shooting some of the less visually interesting scenes of the movie, I was really fighting.

- On a similar note as the last one, a feature film can be creatively stifling. Perhaps it had to do with spending so much time at one location, but certain sets got really stale and became hard for me as a director to find shots and interest in. You start out with a lot of big ideas and you end up in some places just getting the minimum. I don't think it'll reflect in the final film. But in retrospect there were a couple of scenes where I could have done more. Although that may always be true.

- Your will turn into a super human at some point. I thought I would be prepared having been a PA on a 25 day indie film shoot and being the first person on set and the last to leave. Sometimes doing 15 hour shoots. But as a PA you don't have any of the weight of the production on your shoulders. You don't have to make any decisions, no one is really ever waiting on you, and you get to wait around not doing anything a lot. My feet got really tired as a PA. They were sore and callused . That didn't happen on this movie. But with only 13 days of production, and getting sick, and being in the cold, and wearing heavy camera rigs, and being the central resource for any question about anything, and trying to remember what I want out of scenes and make sure I get the shots I want, and getting three hours of sleep some nights, and somehow not being able to eat nearly enough food (my metabolism got really messed up). Somewhere in there you become like a superhero or something. I'm probably glamorizing it, but we wrapped three days ago and it wasn't until last night that I finally got a full nights sleep. My circadian rhythm is all off. And there's this weird transition back into the real world.

- I feel like I've experienced a major turning point in my life. Like I've had a reawakening or something. For the last month, I've felt like myself. Like somehow I haven't been myself in years. I guess maybe because it's been 2.5 years since my last big project, but I feel reinvigorated, and like I need to go through some big changes. It's going to sound silly, but I feel young again. I think it's because my normal life has been pretty lazy leading up to this project. I'm usually not around a lot of people. Doing everything in seclusion. Sleeping a lot, not working that hard. Trying to figure out where I'm going in life, but not actually living it. Looking back I feel like I've been growing up too fast. I'm engaged, and I'm planning where I'm going to live in two years, I spent my college career studying my backup plan in life so I can get a good job when filmmaking doesn't work out. That's a terrible thing to plan for when I'm only 22. Most filmmakers don't make their first feature until they're past 30. I think that's what's not entirely me and why I feel like myself again. I want to do more of this kind of stuff. Pushing my physical and creative limits and seeing what happens. Testing myself. Playing it less safe and comfortable. I mean I have like 8 months of post to do on this film and I'm already ready to top it. I don't want to stagnate like I've been doing. I'm ready to write again. I'm ready to get ambitious.



But all in all, this has been the most successful project I've ever done. We planned for things, we worked through problems, we were ready for our setbacks, and we got it done. There aren't any weak links like we used to have. No tripod shots or lines overlooked or anything missing. There were circumstantial adjustments, but our weak links for this project will be a new league of weak links compared to what we usually have. So that's exciting. I know the worst is better than any other worst I've had. So the whole thing should be scaled up accordingly.

And I'm truly grateful to my incredible cast and crew on this project. Without this particular breed of crazy artists willing to do anything, I wouldn't have been able to even come close to pulling this off. There are always pros and cons, but at the end of the day with this production the pros, I think, completely dominated the cons, and we came out on top.

Now I'll stop over-hyping everything so I don't set expectations too high.