But If You Try Sometimes...

So the movie isn't even out yet, and some big opportunities are already starting to find their way in my lap because of it. Hopefully more on that soon.

Some smaller ones too. It's weird to me how many people want to use you as a technical resource after you make a feature...like as though videography is what you're really wanting to do and the feature was just a way for you to play with your toys...not the reason all of your technical skills have been developed in the first place. I wonder if famous directors ever get requests from friends or friends of friends or family members to film events and whatnot. Or DPs getting asked to take pictures in random situations since they're the ones that are good at it. Just imagine some famous DP being handed a Cybershot in some mall somewhere. Ugh. Not that anybody in a mall would typically recognize a DP...Do people frequently ask lawyers for their opinions on morally ambiguous things? Or do people expect writers to write especially good thank you notes or Christmas cards? I've got it doubly annoying since I'm also a graphic designer. I went to a film-related event the other night where I was offered 2 freelance design jobs after having conversations with people about having just shot a feature film. It was annoying. I guess I'm fortunate to have choices though. I've just always had a very clear idea of what I wanted to do and have always pursued that in what to me was the most direct way possible, and so far it's been working well for me, but at every turn there are always people who don't get it who seem to be unintentionally derailing me by giving me "opportunities." Like what I'm doing is all good an well, but here's a real job. The point of this whole film was for me to prove to myself and those around me that this isn't just some hobby or obscure dream or interest. This is something I want to do and am fully capable of doing. And it seems to be working. I can see a pay off. I'm not sure where it'll lead yet (or if I'm making it sound better than it is). But I've received some gratifying opportunities and recognition because I've stayed on this path.

I suppose it's sort of selfish to only use your talents to serve yourself and your own goals...but I see it as the necessary point of it all. I wouldn't have these talents if I wasn't trying to get myself where I'm trying to go. They're simply a means to an end. Like I've blogged about before. I don't actually ever want to do sound mixing again...but I can mix sound (though it's probably my weakest skill). So then if you asked me to mix you some sound for your sister's school project, should I/would I?

Maybe I'm too friendly about it. Actually, I've realized that I'm just not very good at telling people no. I'm a "yes" man. It's what makes me so good at my job. Anytime anybody asks for anything, I tell them I can do it. Even if I don't have time or I have too much else to do. Because that's who I am to myself. If I want something, I try my best to make it happen. A few weeks ago I decided I wanted a standalone turntable console (like an old fashioned record player). I found one (and only one) online for $300 and decided it was worth it and ordered it. It got here and I tested it out. Radio was great. CD Player was great. Then I tried a record on it. It was shit. I didn't want to send it back. It's big, it's cool. It was the only one. And it's a nice design. I just really wanted it to work right. So I decided, even though I'm not a carpenter or electrician, that I was going to "fix" it. I already had a turntable hooked up to my surround sound system, which sounded great, but it wasn't very accessible for changing/flipping records and required turning on too much other equipment to be practical for casual record listening. So I took an electric saw to my old deck...trimmed off the excess plastic on the sides, tore out the new player in the console, cut out part of the back of the new console to make room...installed a shelf for it and wired it into the existing electronics so it still worked with the buttons on the console. Then I also installed some better speakers inside it. Most people probably would have returned it. It's not the prettiest job, but I wanted a result and I made it happen. The other day, I decided to repair my washing machine myself. Never fixed an appliance before. It was hard. I got really mad. But I did it.

That mentality is in everything I do. Perhaps I'm disillusioned, but I always think there's a way. I think it also boils down to not being afraid to fail or being afraid of criticism. I'm okay breaking a $300 record player or washing machine in an attempt to live up to my expectations for myself. To me breaking it and learning why is more valuable than not trying at all. But I'll admit that maybe that's a luxury I have coming from the background I have. If I break my washing machine, I'm not going to be unable to wash clothes for a long time. I can afford a new one. It'll suck a little, financially speaking, but I'll recover...and pretty quickly.

It was weird when I had my first job interview that they seemed to want to know what I had done/could do rather than what I was capable of...which isn't as measurable, but I was confident I could find a way to do whatever they wanted. Learn what I need to learn. I mean that was how I came to produce all the work I had done that they could see. I guess it's just odd to me that some people aren't always learning new things or seeking new skills or building on themselves. That people naturally want to see repetition and reliably static results from people. And I guess they expect that because a lot of people are that.

But I feel like for me and for what I look for in other people when casting or crewing up is potential more than anything else. Knowing what I know (or think I know) about myself, it wouldn't be fair to judge people solely on what they've done...especially in film. There are probably more actors who haven't been in movies than actors that have. And it's not always for a lack of talent. What if the current me was funding the past me's movie...or was funding GOS, but wasn't directing. I get an interview with myself and see I haven't made any feature films before. Even worse, everything I've made is either a completely random music video or silly high school comedy or special effects test. A lot of weird and random shit. Most people wouldn't hire me because it wouldn't make business sense based on my history. It's not a bankable decision.

I never counted on people giving me opportunities and me building myself from that. I've created the vast majority of my opportunities for myself. And now because I'm the kind of person who does that, I've starting to get bigger and better opportunities. I think the work you do stems from the kind of person you are. Necessarily so. That's why I think it's sort of sad when people so desperately want to mimic other success people. Do what they did because it worked...when I don't think it's usually what they...at least not strictly speaking...but it's who they are that allowed them to do what they did...so you can look at Avatar (which, for the record, I hated) and try and make your own version of that exact type of movie mimicking as much as you can in an attempt to replicate the results...but the fact is that James Cameron's next movie will inevitably be better than your attempt to mimic him because he's the kind of person that would make Avatar in the first place...He's the kind of person that will be driven to do whatever he does next and in the way he does it. He's the only one that can be him. You have to be you to win.

I don't believe in getting lucky...at least not without also feeling really guilty...and not for a sustainable amount of time.

I wonder how full of myself I sound.