Wasting Time

I feel like I've been incapacitated or something. Like I've been in a coma the last couple of days.

It's been three days since I've even opened up the project to do some editing.

I'm not really sure why either.

I want to edit, but it's such a daunting workflow. It's really hard to get myself to do it. Add on top that currently there's no pressure to have it finished any time soon and you end up with me sitting around wasting my time.

I keep thinking, "Evan, you just shot this awesome movie. Everyone loves the teaser. Everyone, especially you, can't wait to see it. Why the hell aren't you working day and night on this?!"

I don't know the answer to that question. It's surprisingly similar to how my writing process was once I finished school and moved back to Shreveport. If I sat down and forced myself to do it, I could get something done. If I was really inspired, I could get something done. But most the time I couldn't get myself to do anything. It's like I need the intensity of production all the way through the process to keep me on track.

I was thinking the other day about how for the first time, I can understand why most directors don't actually edit themselves, which is something I've always wanted to do and have done on all my previous projects. It's like the reward. But most directors just oversee the process. That's all I want to do right now. Just sit on a couch in an editing suite and make creative decisions. Maybe that's lazy, but I think I'm just really intimidated by the whole process this time. I've rough cut maybe 25 minutes of the movie together, which actually sounds pretty good, but there are so many details to fix later. I mean it when I say "rough." And maybe part of it, too, is that I've gotten to a point where I don't really settle. I see all the work that needs to be done and my desire to make it right means even more work than I would have done even just two years ago. Again, I guess it's like writing. The rough cut will be my first draft. I think I ended up with 4 full drafts of the script, and some 20 or so revisions.

I've got serious cabin fever too. I really wish I had an office to go to where I can focus on just working. Being in my apartment all day sucks. Not having a job and not having school, it seems like an ideal situation, but I actually miss having things to do and having to find time to work. Everyone else is going back to school, and in some ways I'm sort of jealous. It's a weird sensation because I'm not really a fan of school. I wanted to not be in school and do what I'm doing now when I was in school. Funny how that works.

But focus is probably my biggest weakness. I'm passionate about my work. I feel like I'm pretty good at it. And when under pressure, I can make it all happen. But when it's just me and my own time and resources, I can't get anything done.

Also, I kind of wish we were at Sundance right now like we have been this time of year for the last five years. I don't really care for the fest that much anymore, but it makes for a nice get away, and is a good way to start the year out with perspective on the film world. Maybe I just need some kind of vacation before coming back to work.

Maybe this is like Post-Production Stress Disorder or something. Not that I think what we were doing is anywhere comparable to being at war or anything (though perhaps there's room for a good metaphor there), but when you hear war veterans talk about how when they get home, nothing is the same, and you can't go back to normal life again. That's sort of how I felt with production. And some people talk about wanting to go back. That's me. I want to go back to production. It made me feel awesome. You're working to make something great, and you're completely cut off from reality. Going back to reality is really weird (and depressing) even though I'm still working to finish what I started in production. It's also the family of people you're working with. They may be your friends, or new people. People you may like or not. But you're all tied together with a shared goal and passion and you're living and working together for (in this case) a couple of weeks and then suddenly you're cut off and it's back to normal. It's a unique experience with unique relationships. It's an adventure.

I guess for me it's just hard to wake up and not have the privilege of facing an adventure anymore.


In other news, sometimes I honestly feel like I control the weather. This week while I've been depressed and not working, it's been warming up. It got up to 70 today (it got down to 18 during production). And there's been this looming cloud cover all day and then I sat down to write this and the clouds broke open and it started raining really hard.

Anyway, here's hoping I get back to work soon.